What ever happened to a faith that is easily defined? How is it that some people who follow Jesus give the impression they have it all together? Why is it so hard to look at major Christian leaders who have purpose and passion and wonder where your own purpose and passion are? How driven must they be to accomplish such great things for the Kingdom?
Every so often I live in the tension of discontent, failure, and wander (not wonder). I question myself and exactly what it is I do. I think it's beyond personal insecurity. It's a faith issue. It's not that I don't believe. In these times I identify myself most with the words of Peter after Jesus asks the remaining disciples if they are going to leave too...his reply...'where else would we go?' My sentiments exactly. Following Christ is hard, but where else am I supposed to go? Ministry is difficult for me, but where else can I go? I know deep down in my soul this is where I am to be, but it doesn't help the tension.
The tension, at least for this post, is between what is and what could be...and my role in it. This immediately leads to another tension - my involvement at all in what could be. One of the remarkable things of faith is God's power to do things on his own but choosing to use humans. It's me but it's not me. So what do I have to do - what role do I have to play - in bringing what could be into existence? What role do I play in 'Thy Kingdom Come'?
I don't know, and this is what frustrates me.
There are times I know - times I feel inspired, filled, and passionate. But then there are other times, more frequent than the others, when I am left in wander and without answers. I identify well with the wandering in the desert - with Abraham waiting so long for a son. I wonder what went through Abraham's mind day after day after day in waiting for the promise?' What happened in his mind as he waited for his role in being involved with what could be coming into reality?
The Kingdom vision is big - too big for me to grapple. Yet I look at so many people I know and it appears (at least) they are grasping and moving with their role. Connections are made...they seem to know what they're doing. But me, I'm still figuring this whole thing out. Where exactly do I fit? What is required of me? What is my role?
